Archive for February, 2010

The Ad That Makes All Other Ads Stink

Posted in Rants, YouTube with tags , , , on February 27, 2010 by darthtanion

Welcome back ladies & gentlemen.  The post I have today is about something that has been bouncing around the interwebs for a few weeks now but I just haven’t gotten around to talking about it yet.  I am speaking of course of possibly the best ad to come on television ever.  I mentioned a few posts ago that I loved Super Bowl season for one reason; the ads.  They are great & if said post didn’t demonstrate it this one will prove it beyond any shadow of trout.  Here it is.  I present to you… this thing.

If you don’t think that ad is flat out awesome there may be something wrong with you but that’s OK.  I’m not going to judge you just because you’re fundamentally broken as a human.  That’s your cross to bear.  Personally I find everything about this ad to be hilarious & perfectly executed.  Find me one man who doesn’t want to smell like, look like & in fact BE that guy & I’ll find you a goat in disguise.  Seriously, do the words “human Adonis” spring to mind at all?  His name is Isaiah Mustafa & he used to be a pro NFL footballer & a restaurateur.  (Not at the same time.)  Thankfully however he is taken romantically because if he was single I think every other man on the planet would be too.  Who can compete with a guy who has the looks of a Greek god, the sporting prowess of a gazelle & the voice of James Earl Jones?  Plus he can cook!  If buying Old Spice gives me the slightest chance of being even a little like a guy that much more awesome than me well just point me to the smelly stuff aisle.  Perhaps almost as cool as the guy in the ad is the fact that it was filmed as one continuous shot.  The only CGI in it is the diamonds with the bottle of Old Spice rising form the centre.  Everything else was done with cranes, props & carry-onto-horsey-mobiles.  Now I think that’s pretty impressive.  Granted I’ve never filmed anything that didn’t involve the words “Merry Christmas” and/or “Luke turn that thing off you’re annoying everyone!” but I think my opinion is still a little valid.

I used to think Old Spice was pretty good.  The smell always made me nostalgic because one of the few memories I have of my grandfather is of him splashing me with their aftershave.  It wasn’t until my first year of university that I realised everyone’s grandfather wore it & that was apparently the way it was supposed to stay.  Now I’ve always found the idea of laughing at a man because of his choice in beauty products to be a little weird.  There is just something off putting about knowing that people were sniffing me in class.  It’s a little too Roxanne meets Cape Fear for my liking but nobody else seemed to agree so I had to at least appear to abandon my fondness of the brand & opt for scent-o-fitting-in-at-uni.  A.K.A. Whatever was cheapest.  This ad however has restored the dignity of Old Spice & next time I run out of something to make my body smell other than God intended I think I will make for the red bottle with the blue ship.

Like the ad?  Hate the ad?  Know of something else you want your man to smell like?  Leave a comment & let me know.

Unless their is a next time
Goodbye Forever.

Luke Venables
Civil War Spoon Shiner

RickRoll’D Over & Died

Posted in Rants, YouTube with tags , , , on February 24, 2010 by darthtanion

Just a quick update to morn the loss of an internet great.  The original RickRoll’D video has been removed from YouTube, after over 30  million views, for “terms of use violations.”  If video killed the radio star then copyright infringement killed the RockRoll’D joke.  For those of you who don’t know, RickRolling is the art of placing a link advertising something like “hot chicks” or another subject relevant to whatever everyone else is talking about but actually sending the victim to a video of Rick Astley’s 1987 hit sensation Never Gonna Give You Up.  The joke was started in 2007 but some 4Chan users because it was believed to be the worst popular song in history & exploded into something that only the internet can explode things into.  One day we will have a name for this exploded thing but until that time I’m calling it a Technocalypse.

Since it’s humble beginnings the joke has been beaten to death in the worst possible way.  It has been more overused than the Chux in my kitchen which I refuse to discard until it has reached the legal voting age.  There have even been public RickRollings including:

& the more famous & widely lol’d Macy’s Day parade in 2008:

While many RickRoll videos still remain I am still saddened by the demise of the original & so with respect I would now like to have a moment’s silence.

RickRoll’D you will be missed.  Please leave your epitaph for the original RickRoll’D or your favorite RickRoll link in the comments section below.

Unless there is a next time
Goodbye forever.

Luke Venables
Perpetual Motion Machine Peddler

Edit: YouTube has reinstated the RickRoll’D video to it’s original glory stating that it’s removal was a mistake.  I’m sure they have really caved to public pressure. Viva la bad jokes!

Lego: The Rebellion Is Coming

Posted in Rants, YouTube with tags , on February 24, 2010 by darthtanion

Is there anything Lego can’t do?  Yes, of course.  They’re lumpy blocks plastic but the list is getting shorter.  I have recently found a video that proves beyond a shadow of any doubt that Lego blocks are the greatest invention known to man & not only because you can create a multicoloured horse that looks more like a small puddle of something your dog coughed up or chew on them & leave those little teeth marks that invariably preempt a scolding from your mother because “you might swallow them & choke & then where will you be?”  No, now they have learned to do something that no human has ever figured out how to do:  Solve a Rubik’s Cube.

This video begs but one question.  Why are we not using Lego to solve more things?  Surely we could get it to start solving global warming or cancer or world hunger or something right?  Everybody knows that if you have solved a Rubik’s Cube you can solve anything.

Does anybody think they had a better toy as a kid than Lego?  Why not let everyone know by leaving a comment?

Unless there is a next time
Goodbye forever.

Luke Venables
Elephant Dermatologist

The Road: An Apocalypse In Review

Posted in Movie, Review with tags , , , , , on February 21, 2010 by darthtanion

The Road

A little while ago I had the good fortune to win tickets to see the new movie The Road.  In my usual way I decided to give my completely uneducated opinion to the world about a movie made by people who have probably created more cinematic masterpieces than I’ve had hot pants.  Here is that opinion.

The Road: The Review

Executive Summary:
I loved it.

Review:
Ok first thing I have to say is that I don’t like dramas.  As a general rule I find them to be pointless.  They just seem like the life & times of someone less fortunate than myself who ends up getting a lucky break & living happily ever after or dying.  They just bore me.  Every now & then, however, you come across a What’s Eating Gilbert Grape or an Atonement & it makes up for all the rot your girlfriend has made you sit through to get to this point.  Well if you ask me The Road is one of those movies.

In my opinion everything about this adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s novel is spectacular.  Set in a world which has all but died out it tells the story of a man & his son trying to survive in the face of overwhelming really bad stuff.  To begin with I have to talk about the look of the film.  To me the look of the sets & landscapes is a minor part of the overall final product but it can make or break the film.  The design of The Road is bleak & drab & simply breathtaking.  The colour palate is very minimal basically throughout the movie consisting mainly of an abundance of grey with splashes of gold sprinkled in.  It might sound a little boring but it means every shot is almost a portrait & at the risk of over analyzing I think it stands as a great metaphor for the overall theme of the lives of the two protagonists.  It also means that when they use even the smallest amount of colour it is all the more striking.

The acting & dialog are two more outstanding achievements.  Viggo Mortensen & Kodi Smit-McPhee skillfully create a vehicle to carry the storyline pretty much everywhere it was meant to go.  There is nobody who sticks out as out of place or the weaker performer.  Sure there are characters whom you like more than others but that is because you are supposed to.  I loved the lack of sappy cheesy-ness presented.  There were no long overly dramatic monologues.  Just realistic, honest conversation.  This in no way prevents the whole story from being heartbreakingly depressing.  Seriously, even though no tears were shed I think I died a little inside every time something went badly.  Those of you who have read my previous blogs know I usually write with a fairly jovial style but making jokes in a review of a movie this grievous just seems like a drunk stripper at your Grandma’s birthday party; completely inappropriate & out of place.  Throughout it (the movie that is) you are constantly devastated about the circumstances & situations these two have to overcome but there are a some very touching moments which are absolutely beautiful.

That said this movie is quite heavy watching.  If you’re deciding between seeing this & something like It’s Complicated then maybe you should evaluate what kind of evening you want to have before choosing.

Who Should See It:
-People in the mood for something heavy
-People who like a bit of a cry
-Anybody who appreciates a well done movie

Who Shouldn’t See It:
-People in the mood for a comedy
-People in the mood for some action & romance
-Blind, deaf, overweight gardening tools

Unless there is a next time.

Goodbye forever.

Luke Venables
Iranian Surf Champion

T-Shirt War

Posted in Rants, YouTube on February 16, 2010 by darthtanion

As many of my friends know I am a big fan of T-Shirts.  They are so comfortable & I love collecting funny ones.  I thought I had a reasonable collection between my “Kiss Me I have Super Powers” Superman shirt & my “Come To The Dark Side: We Have Cookies” Darth Vader shirt.  Recently however, I have been put in my place by a YouTube duo who take my obsession to new levels of awesomeness.  I’m not sure what I’m most impressed about with this video.  The general idea, the designs or the sheer patience it must have taken to sit in a room for literally days changing shirts.  I wonder if they were too scared to see each other topless & so had to go into different rooms every time.  Enjoy!

Unless there is a next time.
Goodbye Forever.

Luke Venables
Canadian Sasquatch Groomer

Happy Darwin Day

Posted in Random, Rants, Science with tags , , , on February 13, 2010 by darthtanion

Charles Darwin

As I’m sure you are all aware today is International Darwin Day.  Celebrating the 201st birthday of the guy who worked out how come we’re all so ugly.  (I baked a cake.)  I am speaking of course of evolution.  That most wonderful of processes that changed us from being one celled wiggly things crawling though slime to the magnificent upright beasts with opposable thumbs you see parading illustriously before you today… crawling through slime.  I wanted to do something to celebrate this momentous occasion.  You know, to let the old boy know we still care.  To that end I have compiled the complete list of:

Awesome Super Powers Other Creatures Have That Humans Should Have Evolved



Super Speed

What has it?: OK so when I say  “Fastest thing on earth” what is the first animal that comes to mind?  If you said New Zealand’s Kakapo you’d be wrong… and an idiot.  I’m willing to bet you said the Cheetah.  Am I right?  Well I would have to agree to an extent.  The Cheetah is mighty fast.  They have reportedly been spotted doing 110km/hr.  That’s pretty impressive.  So what could be even MORE impressive?  Doing the same speed through thick-as-pea-soup, salty water.  I present to you: The Sail Fish


Swimming monster

Yes they're ugly but I wouldn't laugh at them if I were you.

This living bullet of the deep has been clocked doing the same speeds as a cheetah but through the briny blue.  I don’t care who you are that’s awesome.  Plus with that giant pointy nose they have they are basically a spear thrown by Poseidon himself.

What’s the closest thing we have?: Well a lot of you might say Michael Phelps because he swims like an underwater beam of light that’s been lathered in baby oil but I’m going to give this one to Usain Bolt.  You remember him.  He’s the guy that broke the 100m world record while doing this:

Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Wasn't there a super dog called Bolt?

That’s right.  He propelled himself faster than any man has managed to do before while impersonating a pigeon that’s just been shot in the butt.  While scientists have not declared him to be a super human just yet I’m sure they can’t be too far off.

Super Flight

What has it?: I’m sure most of you already know this one.  The Peregrine Falcon, sometimes known as the Duck Hawk, is probably the scariest thing in the whole world with feathers & that includes my cleaning lady when she’s dusting.  When they decide they want to kill something there is only a 66% chance that thing will survive.  Now I know that might seem like a lot but think about it for a second.  In a world where you are constantly hunted by these death ninjas of the sky would you like those odds?

Swooping Vengence

I have no idea what this image has to do with my last statement.

Now the big question in your mind is how fast can these things really go.  Well just flying through the sky taking it easy  they can reportedly hit speeds of up to 90km/hr.  That’s when they’re just watching TV or heading down to the pub.  When it hit’s dinner time however it’s another story.  A falcon will cruise through the sky until it finds a thing it wants to eat & at that time pray you are not on the menu.  Going into a dive these things can hit speed of 320km/hr straight down & that was the LOWEST estimate I could find when doing my research.  Image that.  One minute you’re hopping along with your little friend talking about which farmer’s grain you’re going to eat today & the next “Where’s Doug?!?!”  If it’s razor sharp talons or skull crushing beak didn’t kill you the shear shock of  collected by an overpassing super jet would at least make you pee in your pants a little.

What’s the closest thing we have?:  Enter Franz Reichelt.  A.K.A. The Flying Taylor.

The Flying Taylor

Muuuuuuuuum!!! It's too biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig!!!

On February 4th 1912 this French inventor decided it would be a good idea to test out his new parachute suit by jumping from the first platform of the Eiffel Tower.  He will be missed.

Super Glow-In-The-Darkness-Ness & Camouflage

What has it?: In a word: Cephalopods.  In a sentence: Several members of the cephalopod family, such as the Vampire Squid or Cuttlefish, have evolved the ability to glow in the dark, commonly referred to by those science-a-ma-jiggy people as ‘bioluminescence’.  But this isn’t just lame Glow-In-The-Darkness-Ness & Camouflage powers.  This is SUPER Glow-In-The-Darkness-Ness & Camouflage powers.  Check this out.

Man if I had that kind of ability I could finally throw away my night light & as for the boogy man under the bed.  Well, you can’t eat what you can’t see.

What’s the closest thing we have?:  Glow sticks at rave parties.

Boom-tss Boom-Tss Boom-tss

Sid Vicious should have suck with the Punk Rock scene.

Is it just me or are our super power equivalents getting sadder as we go along?  Move along.  There is nothing good to say here.

Super Fire Breathing Power

What has it?:  OK I bet you think I’m making this one up.  Think about it.  What creature on the earth besides dragons has ever had the ability to breath fire?  Give up?  Me too.  Unfortunately they don’t exist so yes technically I cheated.  BUT… there is something that runs a very close second.  The Bombardier Beetle.  These tiny critters pack one hell of a wallop.  Here is where I’m going to get all science-y on you.  The Bombardier Beetle carries two chemicals, stored in glands in its abdomen which shall henceforth be referred to as the awesomeness glands.  Each of these chemicals on their own are completely useless but mix them together & they undergo an extreme, rapid exothermic reaction.  (Which means it releases a whole bunch of heat really quickly.)  What happens is this.  Little Mr Bombardier is walking to the shops to get some milk.  Presumably to help with his severe heart burn.  Suddenly a desperate spider who has been recently laid off from his job & is ready to kill for money or food leaps from behind a stationary leaf & screams “Wallet, watch, phone NOW!”  As quick as a flash Mr Bombardier squeezes his but cheeks together & fires his two chemicals at the attacker & to cut a long story short THEY EXPLODE IN HIS FACE!!!  For your convenience I have staged this re-enactment.   Warning!  May be less exciting than I just made out.

OK so maybe it doesn’t explode but when you consider the process of evolution it’s still pretty amazing.  How many bugs died horrible agonizing deaths while nature was trying to figure this one out?  It’s a good thing that insects lay eggs rather than having live young.  That could have been a disaster!

What’s the closest thing we have?:  NOTHING!!!  Human’s have nothing anywhere near as cool as The Bombardier Beetle’s Exploding Booty Cheeks of Doom!  Four billion years of evolution & all we’ve come up with is the ability & inclination to spit while playing football.  WHERE DID WE GO WRONG?!?!  Darwin must have wept for humanity.

So what is it that makes us humans the top of the food chain?  How have we managed to overrun this planet in a way that no other living organism has done?  Our brains.  The evolution of the human brain was & is one of the most important things to happen in the history of the earth.  Evolution itself is such an amazing process.  In the words of Carl Sagan “We are made of star stuff” so to get to where we are, even though we do some dumb stuff sometimes, is really nothing short of amazing.

Did I miss any super powers?  Click the “Leave a comment” link below & tell us all.

Unless there is ever a next time.
Goodbye forever.

Luke Venables
Crowd Surfing Goat

Super Bowl Time

Posted in YouTube on February 11, 2010 by darthtanion

If there’s one thing I love it’s the Super Bowl.  I have absolutely no interest in American Football.  I don’t even have a clue how that game is supposedly played.  In fact sometimes I’m suspicious as to whether even the players know how to play.  Every time they move they have to switch players.

Big Head Guy #1:”What do we do now?”
Big Head Guy #2: “I don’t know… let’s get those guys to do it.  Then we won’t look dumb.”

When you have 40 people playing on each side plus baton twirlers, fireworks, cheerleaders, security guards, streamers, marching bands & a massive crowd of onlookers that’s no longer a sport.  It’s a parade.  There is one good thing that always comes out of it though.  TV commercials.  This year Doritos have come out with a priceless one.  I haven’t actually seen many yet but no matter how many I see I’m sure this one will be considered among the top few favorites.  Enjoy.

Unless there is a next time.
Goodbye Forever

Luke Venables
Cupboard Lover