I Got Robbed!!!

Good karma to you ladies & gentle folk,
In case you missed the title I GOT ROBBED!!!  Those of you who read my last blog might remember me speaking of the stealthiness of my newly refurbished car which was now as noiseless as a ninja monk’s vow of silence.  Well apparently, last night, someone was silent enough to sneak up on it, smash that back miniature window that doesn’t move & help themselves to the contents.  In my car’s defence the criminal did have the advantage of being sentient & independently mobile which does provide distinct benefits when it comes to art of sneaking.

OK So What Happened?

I was just getting out of the shower when the Police knocked on my door & informed me that my poor little Diahatsu had been violated.  Do you know what it’s like to answer the door in nothing but a bath robe & be staring straight at one of Moorooka’s finest?  It’s terrifying!  Suddenly I had all of these mental images of being arrested for some white collar crime & dragged from my house kicking, screaming & ultimately exposing myself to the crowd of neighbours who gathered to witness my fall from grace.  Fortunately I am too poor to commit any white collar crime & the officer said I could put some clothes on before I had to come outside.

Ooooh & Then What Happened?

I went outside & took a look at my smashed window.  Doing this in bare feet was not the brightest idea in the cosmos.  While my feet didn’t get cut I didn’t realise they got full of glass.  That is, I didn’t realise until I sat down & brushed what I thought was dirt from their soles with my hands.  The resulting cut in my finger was not big but it was salt in an open wound.  Making a stupid mistake like cutting your finger on smashed glass you have just walked though bare foot does precious little to lift the spirits of a man who has just been robbed by the guy who smashed said glass in the first place.  I kept getting the feeling that the burglar was watching from somewhere in the bushes going “hehehe I made him cut his finger!  My work is done.”

Ooooh Wow & Then What Happened After That?

This afternoon the police came around & dusted my car for prints.  I had never seen this done before so I ran upstairs as quickly as I could & grabbed a pair of sunglasses so I could make a CSI: Miami joke.  Just as I got to the bottom of the stairs however I heard the officer in charge of making my car look like Herbie The Love Bug impersonating Al Jolson say “Looks like this prints are done &… dusted.  YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!”  My heart sank a little.  On the plus side however she did find these:

Oooooohhhh

Someone's been messing up my car.

If they were at all visible you would see fingerprints.  Unfortunately however, they were made by these:

The culprits

In case you're wondering... they're mine.

Even more unfortunately, the only thing the police officer discovered was the fact that I have a very dirty car.  In situations like this I have always believed that there is nothing you can do but laugh.  I was wrong.  The other thing you can do is to write an open letter to the person who broke into your car.

An Open Letter To The Person Who Broke Into My Car

Dear Person who broke into my car,
Hi.  How have you been?  I haven’t seen you since forever.  I guess if I had seen you we wouldn’t be having this conversation.  Then again, in reality I’m just talking to myself so really we aren’t having this conversation after all.  Touché.  I was doing a stock take of the things you stole from my car.  I have found that your haul consisted of the following:

  1. An LCD monitor
  2. A laptop
  3. A GPS navigation system
  4. Approximately $1.40 from my ash tray

Let’s go through that list shall we?

  1. The LCD Monitor – It was & is broken.  Try turning it on.  It lasts about 5 seconds then shuts off again.  You can use it as long as you don’t mind turning it on repeatedly any time you want to move the mouse, click, type or watch another brief moment of a movie you undoubtedly pirated.  The only reason it was even in my car was because I wanted to throw it in garage at work so it wouldn’t take up my precious bin space at home.
  2. The Laptop – I hate to break it to you but it was even more broken than the monitor.  It wouldn’t even turn on for a second.  The only reason it was in my car was to keep the monitor from getting lonely during the night.  Not to worry though.  If you’re looking for a 17″ paper weight your problems are solved.  This thing can hold down tissue paper, wrapping paper, toilet paper & my personal favourite… loose leaf paper.  You obviously have a keen eye for desktop organisational accessories.
  3. The GPS – OK this actually works but in order for you to use it you need to actually own a car & lets face it.  The fact that you are rummaging through a car that looks like it is worth less than the dog poop sitting next to it doesn’t inspire me with the confidence required to believe you are capable of maintaining a stable income sufficient to keep a car on the road.  My only guess is that you are going to sell it.  I hate to break it to you but the battery life is less impressive than your grade 3 maths exams.  This might not seem like an issue until you consider the notion that before you can sell it to a pawn shop you have to turn it on.  It won’t even last long enough to boot up.  Maybe if you stick it to the top of your new paper weight you can draw a smiley face on it & have a tea party.
  4. The $1.40 – This should work perfectly.  Well done, Ronnie Biggs.

I do hope your enjoy the spoils of your labour.  I would also like to thank you for leaving my rather expensive miniature HD video camera.  I would have been most upset if you had taken it & would not have been able to take the pictures posted in my latest blog.

Anyway, I must be off.  I do hope to catch up with you some time soon.  If you’re not too busy tomorrow afternoon I’ll be down at the police station signing confessions.  It would be great if you could join me.  Shall we say 3pm?

Best regards,
Luke Venables.

Conclusion

While this may be another blow below the belt in the boxing game of life it’s not really the end of the world.  Even if it was I’ve never been very good at being sad & I’m far too lazy to learn a new skill so making jokes is really all I have left.  I also have the added advantage of being very good a looking on the bright side.  For example, I no longer have a GPS in my car, which now looks like it has been sneezed on by an elephant in a bushfire, so that makes the likelihood of it getting broken into very slim indeed.  I do hope you can all experience the same good fortune some time soon.

If you broke into my car please leave a comment at the bottom.  If you didn’t, comment anyway.  It will give me a shred of hope.

Unless there is a next time,
Goodbye forever.

Luke Venables
Monochrome Golf Pants Designer

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5 Responses to “I Got Robbed!!!”

  1. Lucy Venables Says:

    hahaha it was me. the venables women are a sordid type. plus i live in brisbane. plus i own a crappy dihatsu, so all of that crappy crap will fit right in. and the $1.40 bought me a sweet caramello koala.
    😛

    ps. not really.

  2. Paul Costello Says:

    Firstly that sucks man, plus you have the added bonus of having to pay for the window repair so thats more salt in the wound.

    2nd….why did you leave any of that in your car, yes the monitor and laptop are broken but im sure there part of the reason said scum bag went to the trouble of breaking in…any way if you want your gps back i would swing by the nearest Cash converters or Pawn shop as you can be sure he didnt steal it for his own use…how many junkies do you see using gps to stagger about the city 😛

    Your lucky the canera was left behind as im sure it was the only item of real value in the car 🙂

    3rd where was your ar parked when this happened ?

    Any way sorry to hear about your on going car problems i hope this is the last of them…YEEEEAAAAHHHH!

    Cheers
    Paul

    P.S. it was Ryan

  3. so the photo of the handprint….ummm remind you of a scene in Titanic much????

  4. A solution….. of sorts?

    On Tuesday morning, go to your nearest Centrelink office, find a bare footed male wearing torn filthy jeans and a beanie over a fashionable flanno’ who has a sniffle and looks like a bath is about as foreign to him as the periodic table – and king hit the fucker! Then sprint down the street laughing maniacly.

    You’ll feel really good!

  5. Luke! I read this as soon as you posted it but I haven’t had time to reply…I laughed until all sorts of things were coming out of my nose, and then I realised how awful it is that you actually got robbed. D: THAT SUCKS DUDE!

    I got robbed once! 2 March 2006 or thereabouts. Came home and our sharehouse was broken into, all laptops/jewellery/cameras/wiring/portable technology gone. They even took my Fitness First bag to store it all in. And they knocked over the pot plant for good measure too, the slimy bastards.

    Insult to injury, no insurance either. (When in strife, alliterate.)

    So I know how you feel buddy! Poor ninja car, what a little battler. I hope you both don’t feel too bad.

    See you soon!?

    J

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