Bomb Testing vs The Ninja Chicken

Howdy doody y’all.
OK so I just got home after picking my girlfriend’s mum up from the airport.  While I was there I got bomb tested.  The act of getting bomb tested doesn’t really bother me but I do find the whole process a little stupid & pointless for a couple of reasons.  Firstly, if I were a terrorist planning to bomb a plane, I would pick a busy flight during a busy time.  During busy times they can maybe test 1 in 10 people if they are lucky.  That means on a flight of 100 people, 10 of them have been tested for bombs.  Put another way, 90% of people on the flight did NOT get bomb tested.  So in other words, the only way a terrorist is going to get caught is if he is a crazy kind of unlucky or he rides the short plane to school.  However, the thing that really gets my goat up (is that a saying?) is the fact that they have actually placed a ban on jokes while you’re getting tested.  I mean really… jokes?  I am yet to hear of anyone laughing to death except maybe in that one Monty Python sketch & while, yes, it is a very funny sketch, I think the details have been slightly exaggerated.  So, as a minor rebellion, I would like to present a very small act of defiance.  Ladies & gentle-not-ladies, please enjoy:

50 Jokes I’ve Always Wanted To Make While Getting Bomb Tested

  1. Your Mum’s the bomb.  (There I got it out of the way early.  Happy?)
  2. Could we hurry this along my shoes are starting to heat up.
  3. Of course you can test me, I’ve changed out of the clothes I was wearing when I made it anyway.
  4. Those things can’t detect Adamantium Nitrate can they?
  5. It’s fine, I left the real bomb on the plane that brought me here.
  7. You don’t have any friends on flight 915 do you?
  8. Just out of curiosity, do you think a bomb would be most effective if I sat at the front or the back of the plane?
  9. Are you adverse to all forms of killing passengers or just bombs specifically?
  10. BANG!
  11. How much do I look like a terrorist? I mean on a scale of one to Muslim.
  12. What do you mean I’m “free to go”?  AH CRAP!  I must have left it at home.
  13. I’m sorry, my eyesight isn’t so good.  Is there still fertiliser on my foot?
  14. Man I hope I set the timer on this thing right.
  15. It’s been nice knowing you.
  16. Ah bomb tests.  I think I’m going to miss these most of all.
  17. Do you smell napalm too?
  18. Wow, you’re lucky that came up negative because I was either going to set this thing off on the plane or here.
  19. Oh don’t even bother, mate, those things never catch me.
  20. 72 virgins here I come!
  21. Just how hard is it to break through the cabin door?
  22. How about if I just keep one bomb?
  23. I like my explosives like I like my women.  In my underwear.
  24. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
  25. Oh but you’ve got to let me on.  We haven’t had a good terrorist attack for AGES!
  26. Your infidel technology intrigues me.
  27. Hi.  How ya doing?  My name’s Theodore Kaczynski but everyone just calls me “Ted”.
  28. So I’m guessing your life insurance will take care of your wife & kids for a while right?
  29. No sir, all of my explosives are in my checked baggage.
  30. Pull my finger.
  31. OK but once I’ve actually gotten on the plane there’s no more security, right?  Promise?
  32. So, have you ever met a real terrorist before now?
  33. Thank you & a happy day of reckoning to you, sir.
  34. Yeah that’s fine just don’t test my left hand.
  35. Why no I’m not carrying any explosives.  (But if you’re looking for some I know a guy.)
  36. “Sex bomb, sex bomb.  You’re my sex bomb.”
  37. Have you caught any terrorists today?  Well then how do you know that magic wand is even working?
  38. So anyway, I was speaking with him just the other day & I said “You’re always so serious, Osama…”
  39. So, did you fail the exam to become a real cop or have you always just aimed low?
  40. Let me get this straight, you search everyone for nail clippers but just randomly select people to see if they’re carrying bombs?
  41. You don’t need to test me.  I’m wearing a condom.
  42. Yes actually, I am a terrorist but I’m on vacation.
  43. Could you hold this suitcase for me?
  45. If I just shot a guy would the gun powder set this thing off?
  46. If I’d known there was going to be a test I would have studied.
  47. Oh! Oh! Oh!  Pick me!  Pick me!  I’ve never seen a positive result before.
  48. Wow!  So glad I handed my backpack to that guy.
  49. Oh no I don’t use bombs, I just sell them.
  50. If you catch a terrorist do you arrest them or just point that stick at them & yell “Expelliarmus!”

OK, so if you’re still reading at this point you either skipped to the end or weren’t so offended by me making jokes about global terrorism that you decided the only rational course of action was to burn your computer down.  I’m hoping it was the latter.  Anyway, if you think I missed any feel free to let me know in the comments section below but if you decide to try any of these out at the airport, leave me out of it.  I will not be held responsible if they stick their magic wand anywhere that could be considered against regulation.

Unless there is a next time.
Goodbye forever.

Luke Venables
Future Waterboarding Victim


One Response to “Bomb Testing vs The Ninja Chicken”

  1. I always want to say something like, “yep. Out of the fifty other derro’s going through security, I’M the terrorist. The small, reasonably attractive Caucasian teenage girl. . . Good job. But FYI, I’m actually so deadly you probably need to do a cavity search.”
    Less of a joke and more of a sarcastic rant, but still.

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