Archive for the Rants Category

Havergal Brian: The Wrap Up of the Gothic

Posted in Review, The Life & Times Of Me, Theatre, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on December 27, 2010 by darthtanion

I have no witty entry to this blog.  My brain is fried.  I’m tired.  I’m… lost for words… completely.  That is of course excepting the ones I have thus far used to articulate the fact that my perspicacity has expired.  Why?  You may ask.  Because my poor tiny brain is yet to recover from the mammoth task of participating in the first production of Havergal Brian’s Symphony No. 1 in 30 years.  So, with that in mind, I cautiously begin…

The Gothic Symphony: The Wrap Up

The Gothic Symphony

OK, first things first.  What the hell is a Gothic Symphony?  Well, long, long ago a man named Havergal Brian decided he loved the Gothic era architecture but at the same time hated musicians & singers.  What to do, what to do?  Then, genius (& perhaps sadism) struck.  He would write the world’s most hardest-est piece of music that ever there was & hope when you listened to it you thought of gargoyles & big pillars.  The following 8 years gave rise to his first symphony, The Gothic Symphony, & is widely regarded as the world’s hardest piece of music to perform.  I have to admit that when you perform this piece you really don’t think of gargoyles all that much.  You more think of the devil himself sitting at a desk covered in manuscript saying to himself “ooooooh Luke is so going to regret not giving $2 to that armless, legless, homeless, hatless orphan last Christmas.”

Now that you know what we’re talking about, let’s talk about it.  When I first heard that we were doing a production of the hardest piece of music in existence I wasn’t particularly surprised.  I’ve known the chorusmaster for some time now (I’ll get to her later) & nothing she does is particularly surprising anymore.  I swear, if she had rocked up to rehearsal wearing a Woody the Cowboy costume with a squid for a hat I would have just assumed she couldn’t find her lederhosen.  That is to say, she isn’t one to back away from something just because nobody else seems to want to do it.  In all honesty I can’t say I know why I signed up to be in the chorus.  Perhaps it was because I was looking for a new project, perhaps it was just because it seemed like the thing to do.  All I know is that I never imagined myself not being part of it.  I love music & I love insanity so doing an insane piece of music was kind of a no brainer.

No brainer or not, I have to admit that when I was asked to be the tenor soloist I came out with the complete rainbow of colourful language.  I was terrified but how can you turn an opportunity like that down?  Thankfully, my fear was completely unwarranted.  The more I worked on the project the more I discovered that no individual part was really that difficult.  Yes every part was a challenge but not insurmountably so.  The only people who really had ridiculously impossible tasks were the chorusmaster (Alison Rogers), her assistant (Dane Leeson), the maestro (John Curro) & the répétiteur (David Mibus).  The thing about each of these jobs was the fact that they had to worry about everybody, not just themselves.  How they managed to keep going through it all I will never know but there is a quote I love:

My candle burns at both ends
It will not last the night
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends It gives a lovely light! – Edna St. Vincent Millay

I think this is a statement that will always ring true of those four people, perhaps with the exception of the “it will not last the night” part.  Those guys partied much longer into the night than I after the show.  Perhaps we should amend it to “it will not last past 4am on a school night.”

A few days after the symphony I was thinking about how well it all went & where it would go from here.  It hasn’t been done for 30 years.  Would it be that long until it is done again?  To be honest, I don’t think so.  One of the biggest things we fought throughout the whole ordeal was ourselves & our attitude towards what we were doing.  Yes, we were all committed but almost everybody, myself included, started out with a defeated outlook & had to prove themselves wrong before they truly got onboard & I think that’s why it has been so long since anybody has attempted it.  (If that makes any sense.)  Now, however, it hasbeen done.  It’s no longer this impossible undertaking attempted only by the foolish & the damned.  I think the real curse of the Gothic is The Curse of The Gothic.  It has become a self fulfilling prophecy because the first thing everybody hears when someone mentions it is that this is the hardest piece of music in the world, it’s impossible & it’s cursed.  Hopefully, when people bring up The Gothic Symphony now, they will hear that it was done by a tiny group of committed music lovers just for the hell of it.

I guess that’s it.  Nothing more to say except that I hope everybody had a great Christmas & I’m sorry for not blogging for so long.  (I’ve been a little pre-occupied.)  Farewell for now & always remember, if at first you don’t succeed, kill everybody who knew you were involved & deny, deny, deny.

Unless there is a next time,
Goodbye forever.

Luke Venables
Half-Baked Ideas Merchant
(Half-microwaved ideas available for those on the go.)

Why Oh Why Do I Choose To Fly

Posted in Pointless, Rants with tags , on August 21, 2010 by darthtanion
Dear Interwebs,

Of recent times I’ve become dangerously aware of the fact that this blog has had an awful lot of reviews on it.  Don’t get me wrong, I love reviewing things.  It’s a chance for me to pretend others care about my opinion &, more importantly, pretend I care about anything.  The only problem with that is it means I haven’t had a good rant for some time now.  You know what I mean.  A good, old fashioned, I’m-bored-&-have-nothing-to-do-so-I-think-I’ll-complain-about-something-for-a-while rant.  They’re fun, they’re easy & they give me something to do while I’m sitting on my 90 minute flight to Sydney.  You will have to forgive me though.  I’m very tired & thus I will be easily distra… (hey look they have little TV’s in the roof.) …cted so this might take a while.

I can tell that the first question you are hoping I won’t answer is “Why are you going to Sydney, Luke?”  The short answer is: I forget.  (I could probably abbreviate it even further by just posting a picture of me flipping you the bird but that just seemed inappropriate.)  The long answer is: I forget, I think it’s a conference or the ballet or a small gathering of Semi-European males with ever-so-slightly-more-than-slightly effeminate hobbies but it’s not important.  I’m not here to rant about that, I’m here to rant how about how I got here this morning.

It’s just turned 7AM which means I’ve been up for three & one half hours.  That’s right, I got up at *mumble… mumble… mumble… carry the two… mumble…* 3:30AM!  This is not a ridiculous ask.  It’s a little crazy but it happens.  Allow me to take it from the top.  It was a dark & stormy night.  (Seriously, it rained last night.)  I got home from rehearsals (I use the plural because I had rehearsals for three different groups plus some private tuition.  To put it plainly, I was tired.) & started to prepare the one or two things… (holy crap they just showed footage of the Pamploma Running of the Giant Things With Horns… Ouch) …I needed for my overnight stay in Sydney.  Shirt, pants, varying selection of native American head dresses, etc.  One thing I made sure of was that I had checked in for my flight.  I looked at train times & according to Translink I would be there with an hour to spare provided I caught the 4:40AM train.  I shuddered a little at the thought but resigned myself to getting up at least one hour before what bogans affectionately refer to as the “butt-crack” of dawn.  (Hey look, it’s 17 degrees in Buenos Ares.)  I awoke on schedule, showered on schedule & left the house on schedule.  Transfered some money over to my spendings account & headed to the ATM to get cash out for the train.  It is at this juncture I would like to point out to the people who run my bank that ATM’s do not need sleep.  Just because it’s so early in the morning that even the sparrows are still staggering their way home from the previous night’s drunken escapades, I should still be able to withdraw money.  The first ATM told me that I didn’t have enough money.  (I checked on my phone.  The money was there.)  It then wouldn’t even give me a balance because “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”  The next ATM was closed.  Not broken, CLOSED!  Fortunately the third ATM was just right & Goldilocks got her legal tender.  I then continued on to the train station.  My train never came, so I caught the next one.  A bit scary but not a real problem.  I was early anyway.  The next train decided it would be cool to stop at Roma St station for half an hour or so.  WHY?!?!  Did the train get tired?  Did it’s wheels get sore?  Was it the litle train that COULDN’T?!?!  I gave up asking these questions after several people ignored/called the authorities on me & then gave up on the whole train system all together.  By this stage I had started to panic.  Planes have a tendency to leave without you if you’re not there so this could turn very ugly.  It was time to go taxi.  I called any random taxi company that would answer, ordered a taxi then promptly ignored that booking for the first taxi that drove past.  My first question was how long will it take to get there.  Fortunately, he was pretty sure we would be there in time so I relaxed a little.  Once I did that the taxi ride was a wonderful experience.  Twice the cost but it was so easy & the driver was just chatty enough to keep me amused but not annoyed.  Now I know why they say “Once you go taxi you’ll never errr… ride the tracks… E… again… train tracks.”  Never mind.  I then had to sprint to the check in area to get my boarding pass printed where I got stuck behind two people who thought it would be a good idea to plan their holiday while they were standing at the counter.  It essentially reduced QANTAS to one open counter because they not only tied up the person who was serving them but also the supervisor who had to come over & help.  Fortunately, I got my boarding pass printed & sprinted for dear life to the gate.  I have discovered that airlines have the amazing ability to put every gate at the end of an amazingly long hallway.  You then have to walk down another long hallway after you go through the gate so what is the first long hallway even for?  (Excuse me one minute.  The plane is landing.)

Word's Largest Coat Hanger

Ooooh look it's the... you know what it is.

OK.  Back.  It’s now 9:47PM.  Sorry, I didn’t really get a chance to get back to you after we landed.  You’ll live.  (Excuse me.  I’ll be right back.)

OK.  Back.  It’s now just before 6AM on Saturday.  Sorry, I fell asleep.  We’re not really getting far with this so I probably should wrap it up.  Long story short, I made it to my plane & to Sydney but almost had a heart attack from fear I wouldn’t.  I must admit it has been quite lovely here.  I went to an awesome restaurant called Phillips Foote where I was treated to a lovely, huge T-Bone steak like this:

Steak from Heaven

The bread was crusty, the steak was tender & the cook was kinda weird looking.

I selected it myself from their meat display then BBQ’d myself on their communal BBQ’s.  It’s freaking awesome.  Then I got treated to a hotel room view like this:

Mercure View

Should I spit out the window?

Which is hard to gripe about either.  All in all I guess this turned out to be a good trip so I still don’t actually have anything to complain… (did I just hear a kitten?) …about.  It sucks having an awesome life sometimes.  Oh well.  Now I just have to make it to the airport on time to get myself home.  *Insert scared face*

Unless there is a next time,
Goodbye forever.

Luke Venables
Master of Salad Ponies

Bomb Testing vs The Ninja Chicken

Posted in Random, The Life & Times Of Me on June 4, 2010 by darthtanion
Howdy doody y’all.
OK so I just got home after picking my girlfriend’s mum up from the airport.  While I was there I got bomb tested.  The act of getting bomb tested doesn’t really bother me but I do find the whole process a little stupid & pointless for a couple of reasons.  Firstly, if I were a terrorist planning to bomb a plane, I would pick a busy flight during a busy time.  During busy times they can maybe test 1 in 10 people if they are lucky.  That means on a flight of 100 people, 10 of them have been tested for bombs.  Put another way, 90% of people on the flight did NOT get bomb tested.  So in other words, the only way a terrorist is going to get caught is if he is a crazy kind of unlucky or he rides the short plane to school.  However, the thing that really gets my goat up (is that a saying?) is the fact that they have actually placed a ban on jokes while you’re getting tested.  I mean really… jokes?  I am yet to hear of anyone laughing to death except maybe in that one Monty Python sketch & while, yes, it is a very funny sketch, I think the details have been slightly exaggerated.  So, as a minor rebellion, I would like to present a very small act of defiance.  Ladies & gentle-not-ladies, please enjoy:

50 Jokes I’ve Always Wanted To Make While Getting Bomb Tested

  1. Your Mum’s the bomb.  (There I got it out of the way early.  Happy?)
  2. Could we hurry this along my shoes are starting to heat up.
  3. Of course you can test me, I’ve changed out of the clothes I was wearing when I made it anyway.
  4. Those things can’t detect Adamantium Nitrate can they?
  5. It’s fine, I left the real bomb on the plane that brought me here.
  6. Phew!  DON’T WORRY GUYS, I THINK IT’S BROKEN!
  7. You don’t have any friends on flight 915 do you?
  8. Just out of curiosity, do you think a bomb would be most effective if I sat at the front or the back of the plane?
  9. Are you adverse to all forms of killing passengers or just bombs specifically?
  10. BANG!
  11. How much do I look like a terrorist? I mean on a scale of one to Muslim.
  12. What do you mean I’m “free to go”?  AH CRAP!  I must have left it at home.
  13. I’m sorry, my eyesight isn’t so good.  Is there still fertiliser on my foot?
  14. Man I hope I set the timer on this thing right.
  15. It’s been nice knowing you.
  16. Ah bomb tests.  I think I’m going to miss these most of all.
  17. Do you smell napalm too?
  18. Wow, you’re lucky that came up negative because I was either going to set this thing off on the plane or here.
  19. Oh don’t even bother, mate, those things never catch me.
  20. 72 virgins here I come!
  21. Just how hard is it to break through the cabin door?
  22. How about if I just keep one bomb?
  23. I like my explosives like I like my women.  In my underwear.
  24. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
  25. Oh but you’ve got to let me on.  We haven’t had a good terrorist attack for AGES!
  26. Your infidel technology intrigues me.
  27. Hi.  How ya doing?  My name’s Theodore Kaczynski but everyone just calls me “Ted”.
  28. So I’m guessing your life insurance will take care of your wife & kids for a while right?
  29. No sir, all of my explosives are in my checked baggage.
  30. Pull my finger.
  31. OK but once I’ve actually gotten on the plane there’s no more security, right?  Promise?
  32. So, have you ever met a real terrorist before now?
  33. Thank you & a happy day of reckoning to you, sir.
  34. Yeah that’s fine just don’t test my left hand.
  35. Why no I’m not carrying any explosives.  (But if you’re looking for some I know a guy.)
  36. “Sex bomb, sex bomb.  You’re my sex bomb.”
  37. Have you caught any terrorists today?  Well then how do you know that magic wand is even working?
  38. So anyway, I was speaking with him just the other day & I said “You’re always so serious, Osama…”
  39. So, did you fail the exam to become a real cop or have you always just aimed low?
  40. Let me get this straight, you search everyone for nail clippers but just randomly select people to see if they’re carrying bombs?
  41. You don’t need to test me.  I’m wearing a condom.
  42. Yes actually, I am a terrorist but I’m on vacation.
  43. Could you hold this suitcase for me?
  44. RRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!
  45. If I just shot a guy would the gun powder set this thing off?
  46. If I’d known there was going to be a test I would have studied.
  47. Oh! Oh! Oh!  Pick me!  Pick me!  I’ve never seen a positive result before.
  48. Wow!  So glad I handed my backpack to that guy.
  49. Oh no I don’t use bombs, I just sell them.
  50. If you catch a terrorist do you arrest them or just point that stick at them & yell “Expelliarmus!”

OK, so if you’re still reading at this point you either skipped to the end or weren’t so offended by me making jokes about global terrorism that you decided the only rational course of action was to burn your computer down.  I’m hoping it was the latter.  Anyway, if you think I missed any feel free to let me know in the comments section below but if you decide to try any of these out at the airport, leave me out of it.  I will not be held responsible if they stick their magic wand anywhere that could be considered against regulation.

Unless there is a next time.
Goodbye forever.

Luke Venables
Future Waterboarding Victim

Songs For A New World: My Last Farewell

Posted in Rants, The Life & Times Of Me with tags , on May 29, 2010 by darthtanion

Hello once again ladies & gentle persons of indiscriminate gender.  Welcome to another bout of pointless rambling from yours truly.  I must admit that I am writing today’s blog with a slightly heavy heart for today marks one week since the closing of Songs For A New World.  Since that time I’ve been able to kick off my shoes, replace them with my Superman thongs (yes I really own a pair) & get back into the groove of my life pre-Harvest Rain but before I can completely say goodbye I need to done one final thing.

Songs For A New World: The Wrap Up

My whole Songs (I’m abbreviating it from now on) experience was pretty brief & so hectic that I never really got a chance to blog about everything that was going on.  Perhaps you didn’t really care but hey, nobody is forcing you to stay.  (hehe just kidding… if you leave I’ll come to your house & cut you while you sleep.)

The Show: My first experience with Songs was 3 or 4 years ago when a friend sang I’m Not Afraid Of Anything.  She did an amazing job & I decided I must perform in the show one day.  Of course deciding you MUST do something & actually DOING it are two very different things & not being a producer of music theatre in any way meant I was pretty powerless so naturally I was quite excited when I got the following email:

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am a Nigerian general who has recently inherited $6 000 000 after the death of my darling mother.  If you would like me to give it all to you for no suspicious reason at all please be at the Harvest Rain warehouse on Mina Parade this weekend so we can meet.

Best regards,
Completely Trustworthy Stranger Jr. III

I had a sneaking suspicion he was using a fake name but who cares.  Six million dollars is a lot of money.  Sadly he never showed but by an amazing stroke of luck Harvest Rain were auditioning for Songs!  What are the odds?  By an even more amazing stroke of luck I got cast as Man 2 & the whole journey kicked off.

The People: Before I ever work with anybody I have this nasty little habit of researching them to see what they’re like.  If I’m being honest a lot of people said a few not so nice things about Harvest Rain.  Not about anyone in particular, there are just some rumours going around about the group in general.  I heard one rumour that said they employ lots of gay people & try to keep them straight & then another one that said they refuse to hire anyone who isn’t a heterosexual. Let me tell you that if EITHER of these stories are true then Harvest Rain is really not living up to people’s expectations.  There is a more diverse cross-section of people in their employment than at a Pauline Hanson protest rally & nobody is concerned at all!  DISCRIMINATION FAIL!!!!  They had gay people working with straight, short people working with tall & even skinny people working with me!  It was like a real life version of that musical episode of Different Strokes I always wished they made.

The most common story, by far, & the one I think I take the most exception to, is the rumour that Harvest Rain are cliquey.  (Cliquey – adj. – kl ee kee.  1. An exclusive group of friends or associates who don’t let you play with them because you’re nerdy or you like comic books or you write your own blog, even though the only reason they don’t do it is because they are big stupid heads…  Sorry, where was I?)  If you are reading this & think “Oh NOES!  I told Luke they are cliquey!” then don’t worry, lots of people did.  Nobody said it out of malice, people actually believe it but this is one rumour I have to put to bed now.  There is a big difference between a clique & a family.  The term clique is usually used to describe a group of people who exclude others & I am living proof that these guys don’t do that.  I was welcomed into their family with open arms & invited to dinner & taken out to try my first sushi & never once was I made to feel unwelcome.  If they were cliquey people, why would they do that?  I doubt they were trying to impress me.  I am a complete nobody in the theatre world but these guys made me feel like I was part of something special so for that I say “thank you”.

P.S. They are so totally a cult though.  They sacrifice interns to the pagan god Dumbledore every winter solstice in the hope that he will convince the Sorting Hat to give them a bountiful Horcrux… or something like that.  I could never keep up.

My Final Thought: Did you ever do something in your life that was so perfect you were almost (please note the use of the word almost) glad it ended simply because it meant you could no longer mess it up?  Well that’s how I would describe my Songs experience.  I really feel I met some amazing people & together we made some amazing theatre & now it is crystallised as a perfect memory that can never be taken away from me.  I know the audiences were small but I think that made them even more special.  Kind of like Collector’s Edition People.  Especially the ones who were so moved by the show that they came to see it two & three times or sent us emails or came up & shook our hands in the foyer afterwards.  It really was so fulfilling that by the time it came to an end I didn’t feel as sad as you might expect.  I now simply look forward to the next time I get to work with Harvest Rain again… even the gay people.

Unless there is a next time,
Goodbye forever.

Luke Venables
Carnival Worker Teeth Removal Artist

Songs For A New World: Reason For A New Blog Post

Posted in Rants, The Life & Times Of Me with tags , , , , , , , on April 27, 2010 by darthtanion

Ahoy, hoy boys & girls.  I’m starting this blog post at 5:30 Ante Meridian (for those of you who don’t speak Latin that means “covered in cheese”) because I’m so excited I can’t sleep.  As I have mentioned in previous blog posts I recently auditioned for Harvest Rain Theatre Company & they liked me… they really liked me.  So much so that they have cast me in their upcoming production of… wait for it… oh I forgot,  it’s in the title of the blog post.  Yeah it’s Songs For A New World.  Kind of ruined my build up there.  Anyway here is a picture.

Songs For A New World

oooooooo... we all look like grown ups.

For those of you not familiar with Songs For A New World it’s a musical/song cycle written for four people, by Jason Robert Brown.  A man famous for writing music so hard it could be used to bludgeon someone to death with & for insisting everyone use all three of his names even though they are almost always abbreviated to just JRB.  This is a production that I am super excited about.  I don’t mean that in the boring, almost sarcastic, Oh-I’m-super-excited kind of way.  I mean that in the traditional, wow-I-think-my-brain-just-exploded-from-too-much-excitement kind of way.  Obviously, performing with an exploded brain does present certain challenges but I’m willing to give it a go.  This is for several reasons.  1)  I get to work with some fantastic people. These guys are some of the best that Brisbane has to offer.  It even says so in this completely impartial article right here.  2)  I have wanted to perform in this musical since I first moved to Brisbane.  There was a production happening just after I arrived here & I was basically told not to bother auditioning.  My ego was sufficiently bruised. 3)  This production of Songs For A New World is going to be different for any other you have ever seen.  Before I auditioned for the role I spoke to a friend who had seen it.  She said she thought it worked better as individual songs rather than as a show.  After talking with our director Tim O’Connor at the first rehearsal yesterday, I can assure you that is not going to be the case when we do it.  He has ideas that are so far from left field they are practically in the right field of the next field over.  (Does that even make sense?) Whatever you think you know about the show should be left at the door.  Don’t worry we’re not going to be re-arranging the music or experimenting with the inclusion of a live rhinoceros.  Tim just has ideas to, without changing anything, give the show much more cohesion & take it in directions no one ever thought of or been brave enough to try. It’s difficult to explain without giving away spoilers but trust me, it’s good.  Of course the most important reason for me to be excited is reason number 4) MY MUMMY IS COMING TO WATCH ME!!!

In all seriousness though, working with three professionals such as these is terrifying & exhilarating all at once.  Aside from the fact that these guys have all worked together before, Luke Kennedy has toured the world with The Ten Tenors & Angela & Naomi are not only well known Brisbane performers but are both part of the singing sensation I raved so much about in my last post, The Divas, so they are all pretty much amahzing.  (Divas fans will get that.)  If you don’t believe me here are a few videos I prepared earlier.

Wow… did you hear those harmonies?!?!  What’s that?  Not enough?  Well check this out.

I have never heard that song sung anywhere else by anyone else but I’m pretty certain this is the greatest version ever.   If you still aren’t convinced then I can only suggest you head over to www.harvestrain.com.au & get yourself some tickets to Songs For A New World.  You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll laugh at other people crying with laughter.  It’s going to be a fun sandwich.  I hope you’ll be part of it.

Are you coming to see the show?  Have you seen the show before?  Do you feel a live rhinoceros would help develop the characters?  Why not say so in the comments section below?

Unless there is a next time,
Goodbye forever.

Luke Venables
Official Star Trek Turtle Next Tester

Weird… Just Plain Weird

Posted in Rants, The Life & Times Of Me, YouTube with tags , , , , on April 9, 2010 by darthtanion

How’s it going ladies & gentlemen?  Well I hope.  I’m in a bit of a weird mood today.  Not sure why.  Perhaps it has something to do with the weird Police Office I spoke with.  Those of you who read my blog regularly will know I got robbed recently.  What you may not know is that they caught the criminal who made off with merchandise worth less than the shirt he probably wasn’t wearing & I found out a couple of things:

  1. He was riding a scooter.  Don’t ask me how they know this but I really wish I could have been there to see his face when he found out he had just struggled home on a scooter carrying armfuls of electronics that work less than my handyman since he fell off the room & landed in that coma &
  2. The rules which determine what a police officer can & can’t tell people about the person who broke into their cars is weird.  The conversation went a little something like this.

ME:  I think I’ll call the police station & find out how that criminal guy is getting on in court.  *Calls Police*
OFFICER:  AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!  Avast ye land lubber!!!!
ME:  Ermmm… hello.
OFFICER:  Ahoy matey.  State your name & business before I have ye keel hauled & made to eat me mother’s cooking.
ME:  Why are you speaking like a pirate.
OFFICER:  What?
ME:  The way your speaking… it makes you sound like a pirate.
PARROT IN BACKGROUND:  Sound like a pirate…  Sound like a pirate…
OFFICER:  Does it?
ME:  Errr… Yes.  Is it not supposed to?
OFFICER:  By Davey Jones it isn’t.
ME:  What are you supposed to sound like?
OFFICER:  A Frenchman.
ME:  A Frenchman?
OFFICER: Oui.
ME:  Fair enough.  My name is Luke, I’m calling about my car.  It got broken into a couple of weeks ago & I heard they caught the man & he went through court.
OFFICER:  Right ye be, that scallywag.  Hold ye horses while I transfer ye to me other phone.
ME:  *Wait*
OFFICER:  Now let me see.  Argh yes.  He still be going through children’s court.
ME:  Children’s Court?  So he’s a minor?
OFFICER:  I can’t tell ye that.
ME:  But you just said he was going through Children’s Court.
OFFICER:  Aye.
ME:   I’m assuming they don’t put adults through Children’s Court.
OFFICER:  They don’t no.
ME:  So I could take a guess?
OFFICER:  I don’t know ye well enough to know.

I said goodbye & hung up.  Perhaps I was confused by the French accent but the officer sounded almost offended that I would ask if the thief was a minor as though I had stumbled upon some dark secret.  You know that scene in all action movies where the good guy starts digging a little deeper than he should & the seemingly friendly but actually evil businessman says “I really think you let this go, Bruce Willis, before you end up dead like your friend.”?  Well it was like that.

So anyway, the point I’m trying to get across I’m trying to get across is that I’m feeling a little odd & perhaps that why I decided to post this:

Now you may notice this ad is a little different to some of the more common ones.  I have no idea what it’s about but I’m guessing it has something to do with chips & a demonic dog who can morph into the Bride of Chucky preening herself in the mirror before a night at the opera.

She crazy!!!

You've got to admit she's cute for a mass murderer.

I know there is a lot to choose from but I think probably the weirdest thing in the whole clip is this:

I don't get it.

WHAT?!?!

The dog is wearing pants?!?!   So let me get this straight… they put pants on Pervo the Wonder Dog when he is running on his hands but two seconds later it’s ok to have him do a dance consisting of moves which look like something a man wearing nothing but a trench coat might do in the back alley behind your local public toilet?  HOW DOES THIS SELL CHIPS?!?!  To make matters worse I watched another one of their ads.  It consists entirely of a girl hitting herself in the head with a potato!!  I give up.  I’m going home.

Unless there is ever a next time,
Goodbye forever.

Luke Venables
Alpha Centaurian Ice Skating Champion

I Got Robbed!!!

Posted in Rants, The Life & Times Of Me with tags , on March 23, 2010 by darthtanion

Good karma to you ladies & gentle folk,
In case you missed the title I GOT ROBBED!!!  Those of you who read my last blog might remember me speaking of the stealthiness of my newly refurbished car which was now as noiseless as a ninja monk’s vow of silence.  Well apparently, last night, someone was silent enough to sneak up on it, smash that back miniature window that doesn’t move & help themselves to the contents.  In my car’s defence the criminal did have the advantage of being sentient & independently mobile which does provide distinct benefits when it comes to art of sneaking.

OK So What Happened?

I was just getting out of the shower when the Police knocked on my door & informed me that my poor little Diahatsu had been violated.  Do you know what it’s like to answer the door in nothing but a bath robe & be staring straight at one of Moorooka’s finest?  It’s terrifying!  Suddenly I had all of these mental images of being arrested for some white collar crime & dragged from my house kicking, screaming & ultimately exposing myself to the crowd of neighbours who gathered to witness my fall from grace.  Fortunately I am too poor to commit any white collar crime & the officer said I could put some clothes on before I had to come outside.

Ooooh & Then What Happened?

I went outside & took a look at my smashed window.  Doing this in bare feet was not the brightest idea in the cosmos.  While my feet didn’t get cut I didn’t realise they got full of glass.  That is, I didn’t realise until I sat down & brushed what I thought was dirt from their soles with my hands.  The resulting cut in my finger was not big but it was salt in an open wound.  Making a stupid mistake like cutting your finger on smashed glass you have just walked though bare foot does precious little to lift the spirits of a man who has just been robbed by the guy who smashed said glass in the first place.  I kept getting the feeling that the burglar was watching from somewhere in the bushes going “hehehe I made him cut his finger!  My work is done.”

Ooooh Wow & Then What Happened After That?

This afternoon the police came around & dusted my car for prints.  I had never seen this done before so I ran upstairs as quickly as I could & grabbed a pair of sunglasses so I could make a CSI: Miami joke.  Just as I got to the bottom of the stairs however I heard the officer in charge of making my car look like Herbie The Love Bug impersonating Al Jolson say “Looks like this prints are done &… dusted.  YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!”  My heart sank a little.  On the plus side however she did find these:

Oooooohhhh

Someone's been messing up my car.

If they were at all visible you would see fingerprints.  Unfortunately however, they were made by these:

The culprits

In case you're wondering... they're mine.

Even more unfortunately, the only thing the police officer discovered was the fact that I have a very dirty car.  In situations like this I have always believed that there is nothing you can do but laugh.  I was wrong.  The other thing you can do is to write an open letter to the person who broke into your car.

An Open Letter To The Person Who Broke Into My Car

Dear Person who broke into my car,
Hi.  How have you been?  I haven’t seen you since forever.  I guess if I had seen you we wouldn’t be having this conversation.  Then again, in reality I’m just talking to myself so really we aren’t having this conversation after all.  Touché.  I was doing a stock take of the things you stole from my car.  I have found that your haul consisted of the following:

  1. An LCD monitor
  2. A laptop
  3. A GPS navigation system
  4. Approximately $1.40 from my ash tray

Let’s go through that list shall we?

  1. The LCD Monitor – It was & is broken.  Try turning it on.  It lasts about 5 seconds then shuts off again.  You can use it as long as you don’t mind turning it on repeatedly any time you want to move the mouse, click, type or watch another brief moment of a movie you undoubtedly pirated.  The only reason it was even in my car was because I wanted to throw it in garage at work so it wouldn’t take up my precious bin space at home.
  2. The Laptop – I hate to break it to you but it was even more broken than the monitor.  It wouldn’t even turn on for a second.  The only reason it was in my car was to keep the monitor from getting lonely during the night.  Not to worry though.  If you’re looking for a 17″ paper weight your problems are solved.  This thing can hold down tissue paper, wrapping paper, toilet paper & my personal favourite… loose leaf paper.  You obviously have a keen eye for desktop organisational accessories.
  3. The GPS – OK this actually works but in order for you to use it you need to actually own a car & lets face it.  The fact that you are rummaging through a car that looks like it is worth less than the dog poop sitting next to it doesn’t inspire me with the confidence required to believe you are capable of maintaining a stable income sufficient to keep a car on the road.  My only guess is that you are going to sell it.  I hate to break it to you but the battery life is less impressive than your grade 3 maths exams.  This might not seem like an issue until you consider the notion that before you can sell it to a pawn shop you have to turn it on.  It won’t even last long enough to boot up.  Maybe if you stick it to the top of your new paper weight you can draw a smiley face on it & have a tea party.
  4. The $1.40 – This should work perfectly.  Well done, Ronnie Biggs.

I do hope your enjoy the spoils of your labour.  I would also like to thank you for leaving my rather expensive miniature HD video camera.  I would have been most upset if you had taken it & would not have been able to take the pictures posted in my latest blog.

Anyway, I must be off.  I do hope to catch up with you some time soon.  If you’re not too busy tomorrow afternoon I’ll be down at the police station signing confessions.  It would be great if you could join me.  Shall we say 3pm?

Best regards,
Luke Venables.

Conclusion

While this may be another blow below the belt in the boxing game of life it’s not really the end of the world.  Even if it was I’ve never been very good at being sad & I’m far too lazy to learn a new skill so making jokes is really all I have left.  I also have the added advantage of being very good a looking on the bright side.  For example, I no longer have a GPS in my car, which now looks like it has been sneezed on by an elephant in a bushfire, so that makes the likelihood of it getting broken into very slim indeed.  I do hope you can all experience the same good fortune some time soon.

If you broke into my car please leave a comment at the bottom.  If you didn’t, comment anyway.  It will give me a shred of hope.

Unless there is a next time,
Goodbye forever.

Luke Venables
Monochrome Golf Pants Designer