Archive for the Pointless Category

Why Oh Why Do I Choose To Fly

Posted in Pointless, Rants with tags , on August 21, 2010 by darthtanion
Dear Interwebs,

Of recent times I’ve become dangerously aware of the fact that this blog has had an awful lot of reviews on it.  Don’t get me wrong, I love reviewing things.  It’s a chance for me to pretend others care about my opinion &, more importantly, pretend I care about anything.  The only problem with that is it means I haven’t had a good rant for some time now.  You know what I mean.  A good, old fashioned, I’m-bored-&-have-nothing-to-do-so-I-think-I’ll-complain-about-something-for-a-while rant.  They’re fun, they’re easy & they give me something to do while I’m sitting on my 90 minute flight to Sydney.  You will have to forgive me though.  I’m very tired & thus I will be easily distra… (hey look they have little TV’s in the roof.) …cted so this might take a while.

I can tell that the first question you are hoping I won’t answer is “Why are you going to Sydney, Luke?”  The short answer is: I forget.  (I could probably abbreviate it even further by just posting a picture of me flipping you the bird but that just seemed inappropriate.)  The long answer is: I forget, I think it’s a conference or the ballet or a small gathering of Semi-European males with ever-so-slightly-more-than-slightly effeminate hobbies but it’s not important.  I’m not here to rant about that, I’m here to rant how about how I got here this morning.

It’s just turned 7AM which means I’ve been up for three & one half hours.  That’s right, I got up at *mumble… mumble… mumble… carry the two… mumble…* 3:30AM!  This is not a ridiculous ask.  It’s a little crazy but it happens.  Allow me to take it from the top.  It was a dark & stormy night.  (Seriously, it rained last night.)  I got home from rehearsals (I use the plural because I had rehearsals for three different groups plus some private tuition.  To put it plainly, I was tired.) & started to prepare the one or two things… (holy crap they just showed footage of the Pamploma Running of the Giant Things With Horns… Ouch) …I needed for my overnight stay in Sydney.  Shirt, pants, varying selection of native American head dresses, etc.  One thing I made sure of was that I had checked in for my flight.  I looked at train times & according to Translink I would be there with an hour to spare provided I caught the 4:40AM train.  I shuddered a little at the thought but resigned myself to getting up at least one hour before what bogans affectionately refer to as the “butt-crack” of dawn.  (Hey look, it’s 17 degrees in Buenos Ares.)  I awoke on schedule, showered on schedule & left the house on schedule.  Transfered some money over to my spendings account & headed to the ATM to get cash out for the train.  It is at this juncture I would like to point out to the people who run my bank that ATM’s do not need sleep.  Just because it’s so early in the morning that even the sparrows are still staggering their way home from the previous night’s drunken escapades, I should still be able to withdraw money.  The first ATM told me that I didn’t have enough money.  (I checked on my phone.  The money was there.)  It then wouldn’t even give me a balance because “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”  The next ATM was closed.  Not broken, CLOSED!  Fortunately the third ATM was just right & Goldilocks got her legal tender.  I then continued on to the train station.  My train never came, so I caught the next one.  A bit scary but not a real problem.  I was early anyway.  The next train decided it would be cool to stop at Roma St station for half an hour or so.  WHY?!?!  Did the train get tired?  Did it’s wheels get sore?  Was it the litle train that COULDN’T?!?!  I gave up asking these questions after several people ignored/called the authorities on me & then gave up on the whole train system all together.  By this stage I had started to panic.  Planes have a tendency to leave without you if you’re not there so this could turn very ugly.  It was time to go taxi.  I called any random taxi company that would answer, ordered a taxi then promptly ignored that booking for the first taxi that drove past.  My first question was how long will it take to get there.  Fortunately, he was pretty sure we would be there in time so I relaxed a little.  Once I did that the taxi ride was a wonderful experience.  Twice the cost but it was so easy & the driver was just chatty enough to keep me amused but not annoyed.  Now I know why they say “Once you go taxi you’ll never errr… ride the tracks… E… again… train tracks.”  Never mind.  I then had to sprint to the check in area to get my boarding pass printed where I got stuck behind two people who thought it would be a good idea to plan their holiday while they were standing at the counter.  It essentially reduced QANTAS to one open counter because they not only tied up the person who was serving them but also the supervisor who had to come over & help.  Fortunately, I got my boarding pass printed & sprinted for dear life to the gate.  I have discovered that airlines have the amazing ability to put every gate at the end of an amazingly long hallway.  You then have to walk down another long hallway after you go through the gate so what is the first long hallway even for?  (Excuse me one minute.  The plane is landing.)

Word's Largest Coat Hanger

Ooooh look it's the... you know what it is.

OK.  Back.  It’s now 9:47PM.  Sorry, I didn’t really get a chance to get back to you after we landed.  You’ll live.  (Excuse me.  I’ll be right back.)

OK.  Back.  It’s now just before 6AM on Saturday.  Sorry, I fell asleep.  We’re not really getting far with this so I probably should wrap it up.  Long story short, I made it to my plane & to Sydney but almost had a heart attack from fear I wouldn’t.  I must admit it has been quite lovely here.  I went to an awesome restaurant called Phillips Foote where I was treated to a lovely, huge T-Bone steak like this:

Steak from Heaven

The bread was crusty, the steak was tender & the cook was kinda weird looking.

I selected it myself from their meat display then BBQ’d myself on their communal BBQ’s.  It’s freaking awesome.  Then I got treated to a hotel room view like this:

Mercure View

Should I spit out the window?

Which is hard to gripe about either.  All in all I guess this turned out to be a good trip so I still don’t actually have anything to complain… (did I just hear a kitten?) …about.  It sucks having an awesome life sometimes.  Oh well.  Now I just have to make it to the airport on time to get myself home.  *Insert scared face*

Unless there is a next time,
Goodbye forever.

Luke Venables
Master of Salad Ponies

Odd Fact Day

Posted in Pointless, Random, Rants on February 9, 2010 by darthtanion

OK apparently it’s Odd Fact Day.  I have no idea if that is true or not I just read it somewhere online & decided it was a good excuse to write:

100 Pointless Facts Nobody Realised They Didn’t Care About

  1. The Cutaneous Rabbit Illusion is the feeling that a tiny rabbit is hopping over your skin
  2. The coldest place in the solar system is on the moon
  3. If everybody in a city painted their roofs with reflective white paint they could cool the city by up to 0.6 °C
  4. Keeping a plant on your desk can make you more creative
  5. There is a commonly held myth that polar bears are right handed
  6. A headless cockroach will live until it starves to death or is shot with a small calibre revolver
  7. Gone With The Wind is the highest grossing film in history if you take inflation into account
  8. The legend of the Mongolian Death Worm says it can kill humans by spitting sulphuric acid at them or & firing bolts of electricity
  9. A person is more likely to give you what you want if you touch them on the upper arm when you ask them
  10. Earthquakes on the moon are called moonquakes
  11. The oldest ever wheel is Mesopotamian & over 5000 years old
  12. Some scientists believe that a bees wiggle dance is mostly pointless & bees just go to where they think food is anyway
  13. Some male ducks rape the females of their species
  14. The highest score you can get on your first turn in scrabble is from the word ‘muzjiks’
  15. The word ‘crap’ predates Thomas Crapper, the inventor of the toilet
  16. Researchers found so many mummified cats in the 19th Century that they began to use them for fertilizer
  17. There is no proof that cracking you knuckles leads to arthritis
  18. Ducks have different accents depending on what noises they live around
  19. The blackbox for airplanes was invented by an Australian
  20. White lines & horizontal ridges in your fingernails is a sign of arsenic poisoning
  21. You can buy square watermelons in Japan
  22. Hummingbirds are the only bird that can fly backwards
  23. A jiffy is 1/100th of a second
  24. The first napkin was Spartan, made of dough & called apomagdalie
  25. Robert Green, Henry Berry and Lawrence Hill were hung for murder at Greenberry Hill
  26. There have been actual documented cases of zombie trade in Haiti
  27. Microwaves do not cook things from the inside first
  28. Building a pyramid took approximately 10 000 Egyptians 25 years
  29. Most of Uluru is underground
  30. There is no such things as a truly one way mirror
  31. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong is not Murphy’s Law but Finagle’s Law of Dynamic Negatives
  32. 22-year old Marie-Augustin was jailed for 50 years for whistling at Marie-Antoinette
  33. No piece of square, dry paper can be folded in half more that 7 times
  34. The word ‘cookie’ is derived from the Dutch word ‘koekje’; the cake from which the modern sweet biscuit evolved
  35. Botox is basically cane toad poison
  36. Dr George Papanicolaou, the inventor of the Pap Smear test, performed a Pap Smear test on his wife almost every day for 20  years
  37. Champagne is not fizzy underground
  38. NASA is running out of radioactive material to power it’s space flights
  39. The earliest ever discovered animal tracks were made by a slug like creature over 565 million years ago
  40. The words ‘trousers’ & ‘pants’ were once considered obscene
  41. The sun weighs 1.988435 x 10^30 kg
  42. Pi has been calculated to over 200 000 000 000 digits with no observable pattern
  43. Charles Darwin studied to become a priest
  44. The world’s youngest mother was 5 year old Lina Medina
  45. The lightest substance on earth is called Aerogel
  46. There is approximately one chicken for every human being in the world
  47. A 9 sided 2 dimensional shape is called a nonagon
  48. Arbitrage is the practice of gambling on sports with no possibility of losing financially
  49. One day on Venus is longer than one year
  50. Aibohphobia is the fictional term for a fear of palindromes
  51. Top level male soccer players are more likely to have longer ring fingers than lower level soccer players
  52. The first recorded use of the word ‘software’ is from 1850
  53. The smallest measurable length is the Planck length
  54. It is illegal to hunt camels in the US state of Arizona
  55. The longest recorded game of Monopoly in a bathtub took 99 hours
  56. The world’s oldest joke can be traced back to 1900 B.C.
  57. The word ‘Ahoy’ was nearly the common greeting at the start of a phone call
  58. The earth rotating the sun is called the Heliocentric Theory
  59. Horses have toe bones
  60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined
  61. In a gun fight, if you go for your gun first you will probably be shot
  62. Butterflies taste with their hind feet
  63. 90% of bird species are monogamous
  64. The word ‘skepticisms’ is the longest word typed using alternate hands
  65. The oldest known depiction of a parachute is from Italy in the 1470s
  66. In term of DNA we are only 1.2% different to apes
  67. In North America the Mexicn Wave is referred to as The Wave & is believed to have been invented in 1981
  68. Only female mosquitos bite
  69. The Steeple Chase began in the 1750s when two riders decided to race their horses between two churches
  70. Psycho was the first film to have a flushing toilet scene
  71. To morn the death of cats ancient Egyptians would shave their eyebrows
  72. A flush toilet exists today that dates back 4000 years
  73. Astronauts can now ‘Tweet’ from space
  74. Mickey Mouse’s name in Italy is Topolino
  75. There is a huge cloud of alcohol near the centre of the Milky Way
  76. The name of the character Elphaba from the musical Wicked is based on the initials of the author of The Wizard of Oz; Lyman Frank Baum
  77. Forgetting a task as soon as it is completed is known as the Zeigarnik Effect
  78. The Baji Dolphin became functionally extinct in 2006
  79. Chung Wan Ping designed an ash tray that senses when you are about to light a cigarette & reminds you of the health risks associated with smoking
  80. It is possible that cigarette smoke traces which accumulate on carpets and in furniture pose a cancer risk when they reacts with the air
  81. A fertile woman is more likely to be receptive to a corny chat up line
  82. Men who are born short or with a low weight are more prone to violent suicide
  83. Scientists don’t actually know why stars on the outer reaches of galaxies don’t fly out into space
  84. The biblical figure Ezekiel may be the oldest recorded case of temporal lobe epilepsy
  85. Roy C. Sullivan holds the record for being struck by lightning (7 times)
  86. The oldest known accurate map of Britain was made in approximately 1360
  87. Some scientists believe the moon was created by something the size of Mars colliding with the earth 4.45 Billion years ago
  88. The oldest recorded joke is about women farting in their husband’s laps
  89. The Million Dollar Homepage made $1 000 000 by selling 1 000 000 pixels at $1 each
  90. The planet Kepler 7b has the density of Styrofoam
  91. Velcro was invented by George de Mestral & its name is derived from the two French words ‘velours’ & ‘crochet’
  92. Each Bic ballpoint pen can draw a line between two & three kilometers long before it runs out of ink
  93. The Cambodian alphabet has 74 characters
  94. When the platypus was fist discovered it was believed to be a fake
  95. The word Pumpernickel loosely translates to ‘Devil’s Fart’ in German
  96. Studies have shown that homosexual men are attracted to the scent of other homosexual men
  97. Australia has approximately 20 sheep per resident
  98. The word ‘queue’ is the only English word that is pronounced the same if you take away the last four letters
  99. In 1386 in Falaise, Normandy, France, after a fair trial with legal representation, a pig was dressed in a man’s clothing & hung for the murder of a young girl
  100. James Dean died in 1955 driving his Porshe Spyder, the engine of which was taken to a mechanic upon whom it fell, breaking his leg, then sold to a doctor, who died using it in the same race that killed another driving using the cars drive shaft, before the car’s shell was put on display at a showroom, which later burned down, & then again in Sacramento where it fell on a spectator, breaking his hip, prior to being shipped to Oregon where it smashed through a shop window and later broke into 9 pieces while sitting on steel supports.

All of these facts are completely true as far as I know but I will admit that some of my sources are a bit dubious.  If you have read this far then I strongly suggest you read Dr Richard Wiseman’s book ’59 Seconds’.  It contains some marvelous tips on dating.

Unless there is a next time.
Goodbye forever.

Luke Venables
Bald Eagle Hair Stylist

Blogospheric Reentry

Posted in Pointless, Rants on February 4, 2010 by darthtanion

OK… I have done this once or twice before or at least thought about it (it’s the thought that counts right?) but I have decided to give it another go just because, in the words of Napoleon before he attempted to relocate his croissant factory to the other side of Russia, I think it could be a fun time waster.  I am going to dive headlong into the online world of over-opinion-isation-ism-ness-ness currently referred to by the good folks at home as  blogging.  (Did I just invent a word?)  I’m not really sure if I will have anything to say or why anyone would read it if I did but if say enough odd stuff perhaps future generations can study it in a misguided attempt to figure out what the hell was wrong with humanity.  Not that I want to speak for all of humanity, I just like the idea of messing with future generations.  Aside from that it’s a good way to electronically twiddle my thumbs until we are all enslaved by alien brain slugs.

The more astute of you will have noticed my blog title has something to do with something called a Ninja Chicken.  It just makes reference to a sketch I once wrote which will no doubt never see the light of day again.  It’s nothing to be concerned about.  If you happen to read this please feel free to add a comment letting me know why.

Unless there is a next time.
Goodbye Forever.

Luke Venables
World Champion Gopher Hurdler